I was so weak physically that I was totally dependent on my husband and teens to run the house, and care for me, for 4 weeks. As soon as I could get up and about I decided to live an "impulsive little dream".
I wanted to visit my mom and sister in Indiana and be part of the Fortville Winter Festival. I needed to me be with my mom and sister for emotional healing. I needed to get back to a place where I made a difference, where I was truly me, fulfilling my calling.
8 years before I fulfilled a great dream for my community. I sparked a vision to being the Winter Festival back (after 15 years with no festival) to our dying little Main Street.
That Festival continued to this day. I had a vision for that little town and I worked hard with others to fulfill it.
When I went back I was able to talk to dozens if people who told me how my influence changed their lives for the better, in a lasting way. But it wasn't me, it was Jesus, I just let Him use me to infuse life, hope and purpose into that community. I remembered who I was, and that I had a calling beyond motherhood. I have so much joy and fulfillment in raising children, that it's hard to find purpose that feels quite as satisfying as bringing children into the world.
I still wanted a baby, so we tried again, and I lost the baby, a tiny boy, last summer. My daughters told me to "create" to rest and just do artwork no matter how I feel.
So while is was at home, knowing if was in the process of birthing a dead baby, I began to draw, and I created all the artwork for my "Bird Watching Journal". I felt very peaceful when I was creating artwork. But if I stopped I would crash. I resisted processing my grief. I threw myself into a community project with my church as soon as I was 4 weeks past the loss and able to get out of bed.
I crested the S.P.A.C.E. kids Zone and took my kids their 5 days a week and volunteered 6 days a week. That work was so deeply satisfying and meaningful to me. But when I got my Quarantine order I really had to stop everything I was doing. And the sadness has been haunting me a bit, and I long to be focused on a creative project. I love doing big creative projects with my family.
I believe that we can not be in "survival mode" and "creative mode" at the same time. So I choose to create. And in creating I feel so close to the Creator. And I trust Him.
Getting back to my "Former Awesome Self" I don't know if I did.
Loss changes us. And I don't know if I can be who I was before, I have to trust God that I can be who He called me to be now. Maybe that's a new kind of "Awesome Future Self".